Stew was an ordinary pet frog; he enjoyed getting high, looking at dirty magazines and watching 90’s comedy movies.
One day, however, when I came home from working at the gas station, I noticed something rather unusual. My computer was on… and someone had left an Infowars page up.
Brushing weird shit off was a specialty of mine, and this occasion would be no different. I closed the computer down, shrugged, drank a beer and went to sleep.
A few days later I stopped at the pet store and grabbed some crickets and grasshoppers for Stew. I felt like our friendship was starting to wane a bit so I wanted to get him something nice, just to show him that I care, ya know?
I couldn’t help noticing that there was an AK 47 laying on the coffee table when I walked through the door.
“Stew” I asked nervously, “is this yours?”
“Nah man, not mine” Stew replied nonchalantly as he returned his attention to a worn out scroll he was reading.
“What’re you reading?” I inquired cautiously.
Stew became quickly agitated, slammed down the paper and before storming off exclaimed “It’s called the fucking Constitution, maybe you should read it sometime asshole!”
I was immediately heartbroken. I laid the crickets and grasshoppers next to his terrarium and sat on the floor.
My weak sobbing was interrupted when I noticed a soft glow from the other room. My computer was on again. It was that damn Infowars and that bad influence Alex Jones who was undoubtedly corrupting my best friend! (who happens to be a frog but I’m okay with that.)
Stew and I eventually made up, and he informed me that the rifle was to protect us both from an invasion of lizard people who were already secretly controlling every aspect of our lives and would ultimately seek to destroy us.
The following day when I came home Stew had some company; another male frog. They were snuggling and watching ‘Zeitgeist: the Movie’ on Netflix.
“Stew, what the hell man?” I thoughtlessly blurted out.
Stew was utterly disgusted by the shock in my voice and declared that I was a homophobic monster.
“I’m cool with it, Stew” I reassured him. “I was just taken by surprise because you’re always looking at dirty magazines with female frogs.”
“First of all” Stew informed me, “you know nothing of the sexuality of frogs nor the chemtrails that are being emitted into the ionosphere via aircraft by communists in an effort to brainwash you into thinking you’re something that you are not.”
“This is all from that Alex Jones guy, isn’t it?” I said with obvious concern.
“Alex Jones is my hero” Stew confessed. “His undeniable truth speaking was an epiphany to me. He showed me who I really am. He showed me that all we have been taught is a lie to keep us oppressed by the invisible government.”
I raised my eyebrow and spoke softly… “but Alex Jones is a nut case.”
Stew’s eyes widened, viciously offended he grabbed his AK 47 and pointed it at me.
“I think it’s time for you to leave you Illuminati whore.”
Those were the last words Stew ever spoke to me.
Sometimes, late at night, as I lay curled up on the sofa at my mother’s house, I wonder how in the hell I allowed my gay pet frog to kick me out of my apartment. Life is hard, but I’m learning.
Disclaimer: This is satirical comedy and not based on actual events.