Tag: Humor

My Butler is a Condescending Prick


A Comedy Satire by Epicdelusion

Sup, name’s Chet. I left my iphone in my Lambo the other day and didn’t feel like walking outside to get it, so I went into my dad’s den to use his computer.

By the way, that’s the V12 Lamborghini Veneno… you remember that neon yellow blur that zipped past you on the interstate while you were putting along in your Honda Civic? Yeah, that was me.

Anyway, I just needed to get on Facebook messenger real quick to let my buddy know it was cool to swing by. Beer thirty, ya know?

So I got on the computer, and my Dad’s Facebook was still up.

I couldn’t help but notice that he made a comment on our Butler’s post… yeah, you heard me correctly, the Butler’s post.  I was instantly aghast and thought ‘what the fuck is my dad doing?’

The post was actually something he shared from 7 years ago; a picture of his degree from The International Butler Academy. Yeah, I didn’t know there was a Butler Academy either. I thought this guy was just a homeless dude my dad found at the bus stop and felt sorry for.

My dad wrote: “It’s been a pleasure having you Jeffery, we are truly blessed!”

Seriously Dad? Like, what the fuck? “Blessed?”

I walked out of the room and saw Jeffery talking to one of the maids. I’m not sure why, but his face just filled me with utter disgust. Just knowing that he was proud of his “accomplishment” was enough to make me feel sickened by his presence. How dare he summon the audacity to think he could ever be friends with my family?

So, naturally, I had to fuck with him.

“Say there Jeffery, I’m wondering if you could help me with something?” I humbly implored.

Conjuring a phony smile on his face, he walked over and asked how he could be of assistance.

“Well, Jeffery” I said forthrightly, “I’m a 23-year-old college drop out with no fancy degree… what can I do to stop being such a pathetic loser?”

Fidgeting with his cuff he appeared to become very nervous and cumbersome; a noticeable difference from the snobbish demeanor he proudly showcased moments before.

“Well Sir, if you want to get your degree I would, perhaps, consider talking to your father about going back to school?” he politely suggested.

Wrong fucking answer Jeffery, I thought to myself, wrong fucking answer.

You see, you condescending prick, you just agreed that I am a pathetic loser. This is fucked up because you have no idea how hard it is being me and living my life. You don’t know shit Jeffery.

“Thanks” I said to him as I dropped my keys into his hand. “Why don’t you go get my phone out of my car for me?”

I told my Father that it would be in the best interest of the estate to fire Jeffery, but my dad is a spineless coward. “Let’s give him another chance” he practically begged me to let him stay.

What an imbecile he was to fraternize with the butler. A butler who is a condescending prick who needs to look into a mirror and check himself before he wrecks himself.

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

Easter Sunday is an important religious holiday for Christians as it marks the resurrection of Jesus Christ, but don’t tell that to the Easter bunny.

The Easter bunny, like our friend Santa Claus, exploits a revered holy celebration as merely a method to lure small children with the promise of gifts or candy. The Easter bunny, unlike Santa, has a more devious motivation.

Some Easter bunnies have mastered the art of deception. They’ve fashioned themselves to appear innocent and cuddly, but I assure you they are anything but. They wait for the right moment and then they strike without warning.

Creepy Easter Bunny Pics

This poor, traumatized little girl was rescued moments before this rapacious Easter bunny would have devoured his victim. Small children are a delicacy to Easter bunnies.

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

This little fella wasn’t so lucky. The Easter bunny’s grasp was just too powerful and the parents were left to helplessly watch the savage feeding.

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

Here is a rare, vintage photo of an Easter bunny contemplating his decision to which one of the twins he will consume first. It looks like he has his eye on the one on his left (the slightly meatier twin), no?

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

This Easter bunny appears to be saying “ah, shucks!” as one of his potential victims becomes aware of the danger she faces and flees in absolute horror.

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

Pictured here is an Easter bunny who has already filled up on small children but cannot resist to at least take a little nibble.

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

These poor children didn’t even stand a chance against the Easter bunny’s insatiable appetite.

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

This terrifying image shows how the Easter bunny will chew right through parkas in order to consume a victim who is attempting escape.

Creepy Easter Bunny Photos

Parents, do not be fooled by pastel ornamentation and friendly guises. The Easter bunny, shown above in his natural form, is a horrid beast who feeds once a year and has his eyes fixed on your little ones.

Stay safe and stay alive!

If You’re an Asshole, Just Embrace it

There’s nothing worse than somebody who is an asshole who tries to defend him or herself.

Everyone will still recognize the asshole that you initially are, but they will also add the extra assholism of you trying to convince people you aren’t one. If you’re an asshole, there’s no such thing as convincing people you aren’t one, no matter what you do.

Some sage advice would be to just embrace the fact that you’re an asshole. Don’t apologize for it and never try to instill a PR initiative to hide it.

Once you’ve been established as an asshole, you’ll remain an asshole forever.

If you’re one of those assholes who does have a good side to you, then be assured, the asshole side of you will be the only one people will remember.

You could do charity work, save dolphins, help underprivileged youth, assist old ladies when they’re walking across the street; all to create the image that you’re not an asshole…

Trust me, you’re wasting your time. Sure, it’s good to help old ladies cross the street, but that wont make people think you’re any less of an asshole.

In fact, it’s likely that they’ll think you’re more of an asshole for using old ladies to try to create a better image for yourself. They’ll hate you more than a motorist hates a cyclist.

Nah, just be the asshole you have grown to be. Remember all the bullshit you had to deal with that made you this way and just be comfortable with being the asshole that you are.

You probably wont make any new friends, but if you have any friends left, at least you’ll know they are a loyal group of suckers. 😉

© 2018 Epicdelusion

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑