Meghan Trainor is a pop sensation with a number of hit songs. One of her hit songs entitled ‘Dear Future Husband‘ describes a list of prerequisites for being her future husband.

To be fair, Meghan Trainor doesn’t have a bad voice and as far as pop music goes, she’s actually not the worst out there. The lyrics in her ‘Future Husband’ song, however, are all I needed to hear to know that I would never propose marriage to her.

Let’s break it down.  Here’s verse 1:

“Take me on a date
I deserve it, babe
And don’t forget the flowers every anniversary
‘Cause if you’ll treat me right
I’ll be the perfect wife
Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need”

I think I could remember some flowers and to take her on a date once in a great while in exchange for her buying groceries and being a perfect wife. At this point, it doesn’t seem like it would be too horrible to be married to her. Let’s continue:

“You got that 9 to 5
But, baby, so do I
So don’t be thinking I’ll be home and baking apple pies
I never learned to cook
But I can write a hook”

Alright, you’re losing me here Meghan. I’m a man that understands the importance and absolute necessity of fresh baked goods in order to keep a happy relationship going. I understand it’s the modern age and women aren’t wearing high heels and cooking all day (what a shame) but come on, would it kill you to bake an apple pie once in a while?

“You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
Even when I’m acting crazy
Tell me everything’s alright”

Wait, what? I’m thinking if she put this line in the song, then perhaps her acting crazy is something that happens rather frequently. Of course, that’s pretty much all women. (sorry gals, you know it’s true.)  I suppose the best way to handle a crazy person is to treat them with extra special care and attention then lie to them and tell them that everything is okay until the syringe full of thorazine is ready.

“Dear future husband,
Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life
Dear future husband,
If you wanna get that special lovin’
Tell me I’m beautiful each and every night”

So all it takes to get “special lovin'” from Meghan Trainor is to tell her she’s beautiful every night? I wonder if such an agreement can be arranged for one night? Because that’s about the most time that I would want to spend with her.

“After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right (right)
Even if I was wrong
[Laugh] You know I’m never wrong
Why disagree?
Why, why disagree?”

I’m sure the first piece of advice that a marriage counselor would offer to a struggling couple would be for the husband to just admit he was wrong and apologize, no matter what. Never mind healthy, adult discussion and actually working on issues and compromising. Just put that tail between your legs boy and sit your ass in the corner with some sad “I’m sorry” puppy dog eyes and wait until she’s ready to scratch behind your ears.

“I’ll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)
Open doors for me and you might get some kisses
Don’t have a dirty mind
Just be a classy guy
Buy me a ring
Buy-buy me a ring (babe)”

Ok, be classy, open up doors for you, buy you a ring… this all sounds pretty manageable, except you’re forgetting one thing; that contradicts your feministic stance of not cooking pies and working 9 to 5.  You can’t have your cake and eat it too, right? I guess you can if you’re Meghan Trainor.

I’m sure there are plenty of ball-less men out there who wouldn’t mind being Meghan Trainor’s lap dog. As a man who has a pair of testicles, however, as well as some god damn dignity for myself, I don’t see myself ever kneeling down in front of her.

Below I’ve posted the song. It’s okay to go ahead and click play and watch the video and give it a listen… and if you like the song, don’t worry, we wont tell anyone. 😉