Tag: Satire

There’s No Such Thing as a Free Handjob

There’s No Such thing as a Free Handjob.

A comedy satire by Epicdelusion.

Sven, Tyler and Buddy are roommates living off campus while attending a small, prestigious liberal arts college.

Buddy is an economics major with a 4.3 GPA, and a bit of a provocateur. Attempting to showcase the inevitable failures of socialism in contrast to free market capitalism, he decided he would use handjobs as an analogy in his dissertation.

Six whiskey shots and a few bong rips into the night, Buddy loudly proclaimed to his roommates (who were partaking in the intoxicating festivities as well)

“There’s no such thing as a free handjob!”

Sven chuckled, taking careful precaution not to choke on his bong rip, and replied “I guess you’ve never met Tyler’s mom”.

Tyler laughed and fired back: “or Sven’s little sister.”

“Seriously, you dumb asses.” Buddy said as he fought to bring about a level of momentary seriousness, “listen to this.”

“The average first date costs roughly $80 according to Cosmopolitan magazine.”

Sven interrupted. “Dude, why are you reading Cosmo-fucking-politan?”

“Shut the fuck up Sven.” Buddy continued…

“Not to perpetuate misogynistic gender roles here, but the man usually pays this $80. He does so in order to increase his minuscule chances at performing the reproductive act. We typically refer to this act as sexual intercourse. ”

Buddy’s words were slightly slurred and he had a tendency to over articulate during what he called ‘the golden level of intoxication.’ His roommates found his verbose ramblings to be a mild source of entertainment and allowed him to continue uninterrupted.

“Understanding that the possibility of coitus for him is highly unlikely, he’ll begin to negotiate with himself and settle for a ‘first date handjob’.  At this point his odds are at 13%.”

“In an effort to increase his odds he attempts to demonstrate clout by tipping the waitress %42.3 of the tab. Unfortunately for him, his date was distracted by a barrage of incoming texts from her concerned girlfriends, and was oblivious to his flashy generosity. He winds up jacking off into a sock after she declines his invitation to come over to watch a movie.”

“Graciously, she agrees to go on another date with him. He finally gets the handjob he was seeking. The total monetary cost to him was $266.  2 dinners, 2 movies, drinks, tips, gasoline for his car, and a half-dozen of roses. A lot of people profited off of his desire to get a limp-wristed handjob. ”

“In the Bronx you can get a decent handjob and a shot of Courvosier, which is included for some reason, for $75. This shows us a few different things. Mainly, that while it’s more economically stimulating to earn a handjob from your date, it’s cheaper to buy one from a prostitute. More importantly, however, it shows us that there’s no such thing as a free handjob. Somebody, somehow, always pays.”

Tyler, at this point, is laughing his ass off and finally gets himself together enough to ask Buddy a question.

“Can’t you just give yourself a handjob? Or maybe be like commies and just get in a big circle jerk?” Tyler asks.

Sven looks at Tyler and sarcastically shrugs and then looks back over at Buddy, awaiting his reply.

Buddy pauses and looks back and forth at both of them and in a frustrated eruption declares :

“You can’t give yourself a fucking handjob!”

My Butler is a Condescending Prick

 

A Comedy Satire by Epicdelusion

Sup, name’s Chet. I left my iphone in my Lambo the other day and didn’t feel like walking outside to get it, so I went into my dad’s den to use his computer.

By the way, that’s the V12 Lamborghini Veneno… you remember that neon yellow blur that zipped past you on the interstate while you were putting along in your Honda Civic? Yeah, that was me.

Anyway, I just needed to get on Facebook messenger real quick to let my buddy know it was cool to swing by. Beer thirty, ya know?

So I got on the computer, and my Dad’s Facebook was still up.

I couldn’t help but notice that he made a comment on our Butler’s post… yeah, you heard me correctly, the Butler’s post.  I was instantly aghast and thought ‘what the fuck is my dad doing?’

The post was actually something he shared from 7 years ago; a picture of his degree from The International Butler Academy. Yeah, I didn’t know there was a Butler Academy either. I thought this guy was just a homeless dude my dad found at the bus stop and felt sorry for.

My dad wrote: “It’s been a pleasure having you Jeffery, we are truly blessed!”

Seriously Dad? Like, what the fuck? “Blessed?”

I walked out of the room and saw Jeffery talking to one of the maids. I’m not sure why, but his face just filled me with utter disgust. Just knowing that he was proud of his “accomplishment” was enough to make me feel sickened by his presence. How dare he summon the audacity to think he could ever be friends with my family?

So, naturally, I had to fuck with him.

“Say there Jeffery, I’m wondering if you could help me with something?” I humbly implored.

Conjuring a phony smile on his face, he walked over and asked how he could be of assistance.

“Well, Jeffery” I said forthrightly, “I’m a 23-year-old college drop out with no fancy degree… what can I do to stop being such a pathetic loser?”

Fidgeting with his cuff he appeared to become very nervous and cumbersome; a noticeable difference from the snobbish demeanor he proudly showcased moments before.

“Well Sir, if you want to get your degree I would, perhaps, consider talking to your father about going back to school?” he politely suggested.

Wrong fucking answer Jeffery, I thought to myself, wrong fucking answer.

You see, you condescending prick, you just agreed that I am a pathetic loser. This is fucked up because you have no idea how hard it is being me and living my life. You don’t know shit Jeffery.

“Thanks” I said to him as I dropped my keys into his hand. “Why don’t you go get my phone out of my car for me?”

I told my Father that it would be in the best interest of the estate to fire Jeffery, but my dad is a spineless coward. “Let’s give him another chance” he practically begged me to let him stay.

What an imbecile he was to fraternize with the butler. A butler who is a condescending prick who needs to look into a mirror and check himself before he wrecks himself.

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